Are you struggling to orgasm during sex with your partner ?
Do you feel you ought to orgasm more, in a different way, more quickly more often?
Are you frustrated that your partner always comes before you?
Are you frustrated that your partner always comes and you never do?
It will really help you to understand how different the sexual energies for men and women often are, how different our male and female bodies are when it comes to sexual energies.
The standard western model of sex that we have all grown up with, assumes that female sexual energy is pretty much the same as male sexual energy and when we are young and at certain times in our cycles a woman can absolutely match her energy to a man’s. Very often her energy is just as quick and just as hot and just as vibrant as her male partner’s.
Then the mistake we make is when our sexual energy isn’t as hot and urgent and keeping up with the rapid rate of male sexual energy, we believe that somehow we’ve “lost it”, that we no longer have any sexual energy, that we can’t get aroused, that we have lost desire, that we don’t have a libido.
It’s rubbish. We haven’t lost anything. Our desire, our libido, our sexual energy is still there, it just needs to be activated and honoured in different ways.
Female sexual energy is very often incredibly powerful & strong AND it takes time to build. Once it’s fully activated it's very desirous, demanding, even greedy and it stays strong for hours and hours and hours…
But our energy is not honoured very often in our relationships simply because we don’t understand it and men don’t understand it. Primarily, I think, because we have all been conditioned in a society that essentially says “Sex is for reproduction, which is an active (energetic) process for the man but a passive process for the woman.”
Our conditioned model of sex tells us that the sole purpose of sex is to penetrate and ejaculate, anything else isn’t really ‘sex’ and female arousal only matters in terms of penetration - it doesn’t serve any other purpose.
This narrow, prescriptive, goal orientated model does very little to honour or activate female sexual energy. As a result we don’t experience the orgasmic bliss that we yearn for and as a result many of us turn away from sex as something we just don’t enjoy. And it robs our male partners of the full joy they could be experiencing if our energies were properly activated.
We need to move our concept of ‘what sex is for’ beyond the simplistic reproductive model and part of doing that is getting to really understand the power and purpose of female sexual energy.
How can we do this in our relationships? By learning to honour and appreciate the nuanced, sophisticated way in which female sexual energy grows and moves.
We need to love, honour and make space for the slower, more gradual arousal rates of the feminine. We need our partners to become skilled and experienced in understanding how our bodies get aroused, what our accelerators are, what makes us climb the gradual path to feeling hot.
And then rather than waiting for sex to begin with male arousal and frantically try to get our female energy to match his impatient energy; we start need to start our sexual interactions in a different place.
I advocate starting sexual experiences with cooler energies and taking the time to honour and respect the feminine energy, growing her energy, then only when she is in a hot place does the male activate his sexual energy (which in her heat she will gladly do for him!)
It’s a different way of seeing sex, it’s about playing with the different energies, it’s about learning that masculine and feminine energies are different and making space for the differences.
And it means, for women, that rather than thinking, “If I can’t get aroused in a couple of minutes I must be broken” we just give our bodies a bit more time.
Because, really, what’s the rush? What’s the hurry? The modern world has become so rushed and so hurried, let’s just slow it all down, let’s dial it back, take time to be gentle and loving, to be soft and caressing. Let’s just allow ourselves to take an easeful, gentle path into sex rather than always making it about rushed goals and performance.