Do you feel sad when he comes, rolls over and then goes to sleep apparently unbothered about whether you had any pleasure or not?
Are you tired of blaming your body or yourself for your unrewarding sex life?
Do you have a sense that you need to talk about it, but you don’t know where to start?
Here’s my suggestion, I would like you to make it a practice, every time you have any kind of sexual intimacy, to ask each other this one simple question, using these exact words:
“What was your experience?”
The words are really important, especially the first word. I encourage you to ask “What was your experience?” because it’s an open ended question that encourages a fuller answer.
If you ask a closed question like, “Was that good for you?” The answer is easily just one answer, “Yes”, “Fine”, “Lovely”. The answer given may reassure you and make you feel momentarily good about yourself, but it doesn’t encourage truth (who truly wants to respond with, “Darling it was awful”?) and it does little to help you learn more about each other’s experience and bodies.
“What was your experience?” encourages your partner to describe what they experienced inside their body. It enables you to explore together the layers of your experience: physical, emotional and yes, even spiritual.
“What was your experience?” is the question to ask to enable you to really begin to get to know one another. It helps you learn more about each other, deepen your understanding of each other and deepen the intimacy between you.
“What was your experience?” moves sex away from being all about an outcome or goal to becoming a shared journey of discovery.
As you become practiced at asking and responding to “What was your experience?” you will find that your attention is drawn more and more to what you are experiencing in every moment during sexual intimacy - you will begin to share your experience while you are IN the experience! Which is the very best way to receive more of the pleasure that makes your soul sing.
Talking about sex goes from being awkward and uncomfortable to something you do as part of sex. And this is when your sex life together explodes!
And I have a few pointers for how you on the best ways in which you respond to this question:
Always, always, always find a way to respond in the positive.
Partly because no-one wants to be criticised following sex. We are all battling with our inner critics when it comes to sex so we really don’t need an outer critic too.
Remember, we are all exposing vulnerable parts of ourselves (physically and emotionally) when we have sex, so it is super, super important to honour that in each other if you want to build intimacy between you.
So be kind, compassionate and find a way to give your feedback in positive language; less of “I didn’t like it when….” and much, much more of, “My [bodypart] tingled/pulsated/throbbed/hummed/sang when….”
And also because our unconscious minds do not recognise a negative, if you say, “I don’t like it when you X, Y, Z….” their unconscious mind hears, “I like it when you X, Y, Z…” and guess what? Next time you have sex you are going to receive more X, Y, Z…. the very things you don’t like.
It’s not their fault that they are giving you more of what you don’t want, you have programmed them directly, you TOLD them what to do. You may have thought you were saying what you don’t like, but their unconscious mind is literal and cannot cope with negatives, they heard it as “I like”. And it gave you more of what you “like”.
So be very mindful and intentional with your language.
Plant ideas through positive feedback
This is a clever feedback tip that applies our understanding of the unconscious mind to get more of what we want out of any experience.
Speak about what you would like to receive as if you have already received it; appreciate them for it, reward them and thank them for it.
Here’s what happens when you do this; their conscious mind will struggle with the praise and even question it, but their unconscious mind will take it as an instruction on what to do next time.
Let me give you an example. During sex your breasts were a bit manhandled. You have talked about how much sensual touch really turns you on, but he is still grabbing them a bit hard and it is doing nothing for you.
The feedback you would most powerfully give would be something like, “Oh, and I have to tell you...that moment when you brushed your fingers lightly over my breasts...with that soft feathery touch…I have to tell you, the quivers went down my entire body...my vagina even pulsated more powerfully, did you feel it?…”
Can you see? Whilst his conscious mind may well be thinking, “Did I really do that? I don’t remember, well I must have if she is appreciating it…” His subconscious mind is storing the information for next time. With love, kindness, compassion, warmth you are changing the experience for yourself, and for him too.
By asking this one simple question every time you have sex and giving really intentional and loving responses you can completely transform your sex life.
However, if you don’t make the space to talk about your sexual experience, you are going to be stuck in the “dissatisfaction, roll over, go to sleep” experience that you hate so much.
The more you can bring this kind of sex talk into your sex life the more beautifully it is going grow; the more you will receive what you deeply desire, the more amazing you are going to feel, the more amazing he is going to feel and the more you will grow, develop and deepen your intimacy together.