For us to have open-hearted, exciting, blissful sexual experiences, we need to be experiencing sex in a place of deep intimacy.
Intimacy means absence of fear. So how do we create intimacy between ourselves and our partner? What kind of things can we all be doing to create a space that is free from fear?
We know we need to be communicating, which for most of us means talking, and we also understand the role of touch in communication and intimacy.
But I am going to suggest a super simple practice that you could make part of your everyday life that requires no talk or even touch and is still incredibly effective at building intimacy.
Eye gazing is as powerful as it is because when we spend extended periods of time gazing into another’s eyes, oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is released in our bodies.
The hormone that bonds parents to their new-born infants and new lovers to each other, continues to be released whenever we spend time gazing into our partner’s eyes.
So simply by making and maintaining eye-contact we are altering the chemical balance in our bodies - tipping it away from stress, conflict and disconnect and back towards togetherness, love, safety and belonging.
Eye gazing is a very effective route back to intimacy and to much better sex.
Despite being super simple, you do need to be aware of one thing to get eye gazing “right”..... the idea is to gaze not stare.
Eye gazing is done with soft “doe eyes", eyes that are gentle, loving, kind, open, compassionate, un-stressed. Staring is what we do when we are stressed or angry, our eyes become narrowed and lazer focussed like a hawk.
The most effective way to ensure you are gazing with soft “doe eyes" is to practise looking at a point in front of you and as you focus on that fixed point you also widen your vision to include the peripheral - what can you see to your left and right without moving your gaze or your head?
When we are looking at another person with peripheral vision we automatically open and soften our eyes. We are connecting with the person in front of us but not with an intense, aggressive stare that would lead to the release of stress hormones (the last thing we need more of) but instead with soft eyes that trigger the release oxytocin.
When you gaze with peripheral vision or “doe eyes", the eyes are communicating to the other person, “You can trust me, you're safe with me.” And your partner’s eyes are communicating the same thing back to you as oxytocin begins to flood your body - it is an incredibly powerful mix.
And there’s another beautiful aspect to eye gazing: every time we look into another person's eyes, they are different. Our eyes are constantly changing. When we experience something different (or new) our bodies release dopamine, the “happy hormone”.
So when you feel as though you know everything about your partner, that your relationship has got old and stale and you miss the heady (dopamine fuelled) early days, why not indulge in a bit of eye gazing?
It's the practice that leads to more oxytocin and dopamine, you get the bonding hormone and the “happy hormone”! It’s why I really, really, really massively implore you to use it more in your relationships.
When I talk about how we all need to be having more sex in the kitchen, this is the kind of sex I mean! This is the kind of deeply connected intimacy that you can do in the kitchen, do at the table, do in the coffee shop (and no one can ask you to leave), and even do with your children in the room.
When we expect all of our sex to take place behind closed doors, hidden from our children and the rest of the world we are putting an immense amount of pressure on ourselves to get into the “mood” when we haven’t done anything to even maintain our intimacy. This is why great sexual chemistry fizzles out!
In our early relationships we all invest significant amounts of our time in practices like eye gazing that make our sex feel amazing. We call it "chemical attraction", and it is chemical! We can keep that chemical attraction alive when we consciously commit time to the practice that stimulates the release of chemicals into our bodies.
We think that sex is super complicated. That after the “honeymoon” period it will always get boring as the chemistry fades.
Well……. we could decide to maintain strong level of chemicals by just doing some simple practises?
Couples who decide to do this and make eye gazing a regular part of their daily lives have much juicer, more vibrant and alive sex as a result.
I have created this little bundle to introduce you and your partner to this powerful practice. Click here to get started.
If you would like to learn more about the different ways you can work with me to experience a better sex life, book a complimentary and confidential call with me:
Photo byVictor Freitas onUnsplash