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Who's Running Your Sex Life, You or Your Mother?

Do you feel frustrated by a block, something inside of you that stops you from fully experiencing the moment, the joy, the pleasure of sex?

Does it frustrate you that, however hard you try to relax and surrender to receiving pleasure, there seems to be something, inside, stopping you?

I am going to suggest that there is indeed something inside of you that is stopping you from enjoying the sexual experience you so want to enjoy.

You have an unaligned part that is controlling how you show up for sex. A strongly protective part that you created at some time in your life to protect you and keep you safe.

But like a mother on the school run, these parts with their mission to protect us, can become bothersome and actually prevent us from living the lives we desire.

I like to describe these very loving parts of us as like a mum on the school run.

When my kids were little, there was literally nothing better than holding their hands on the way to and from school every day. There was something so intimate and nourishing for me and my child. It made us both feel safe, feel loved and helped us deal with the hours of separation. It was the way we plugged back into our mother-child relationship after the hours apart. And of course it served the very practical function of keeping my young children safe as we navigated road crossings.

I held my children’s hands to both love them and protect them.

Then, with each child, came the inevitable moment when they said to me, “Mum I am ok now, I am a big boy/girl, I have got this, I want to walk to school alone.”

Ooof there was grief.

Every time.

I felt redundant, almost rejected. I could feel my children growing up and leaving me….but of course I complied, I didn’t want to restrict their growth and full experience of life.

My youngest (I remember this particularly well with my youngest because I had now run out of hands to hold!) is a particularly sensitive and wise young man, so he warmed me up for the BIG MOMENT.

He knew that it was going to break my heart a little and he might even have some push back from me, so he spent a few weeks telling me that the end (of hand holding) was coming and I was to expect it and make the most of it while I could and know that he still loved me and valued me even as he asked me not to hold his hand anymore.

So when the day came and I was told to accompany him to school but not hold his hand (followed shortly by, “You can just drop me here, thanks”), I was ok with it. I didn’t kick up a fuss. I didn’t find ways to get back at him. I did not insist on carrying on when he no longer needed me. He had prepared me and reassured me, I knew he still loved me, so I was ok about being retired from hand holding service.

There were other ways I could show my love for him and protect him.

The protective parts that prevent us from fully enjoying sex are very like the mother, me in my hand holding story. Once they served a very important service; they were created to protect you and keep you safe. And there just comes a time when you don’t need them to play that role any more. In fact, if they stick around they become problematic in your life.

So, like my son, you need to talk to them. You need to thank them for their love and their service. You need to appreciate all they have done for you (parts, like mothers, love to be appreciated), you need to ask them, “What do you need from me? How can I show you that I appreciate and love you?”, and you need to find new ways in which they can continue to love and protect you. And then assign them new roles.

As you develop a loving relationship with your unaligned parts, a relationship that fully accepts and even appreciates their presence and what they have done for you over the years, you find yourself able to run your sex life on your terms. Because you cultivate a relationship with these parts, they don’t have to clamour for your attention, they relax their grip on your hand and you are free to experience sex on your terms rather than theirs.

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