Updated: May 3
You know that feeling in sex when you are completely lost in each other’s arms?
When you can’t distinguish where your body ends and their body begins?
When the energy is swirling and fizzing between you and time just stops?
Isn’t that what we all deeply yearn for?
Isn’t that what we call “connected” sex?
You may have only just met your partner, you may have been together for years or even decades, but that experience of melting and merging, of oneness, of deep, deep connection with another being is, for many of us, the main reason we enjoy and desire sex.
It’s utterly magical. It happens as if by magic and as a result we think there is nothing we can do other than hope and pray for the magic. But we are not powerless, we have the power to create and nourish this magic.
“Connected” sex feels as good as it does because in that moment you are deeply connected to sensation, to feeling, to energy growing and moving within your own body. And through this deep connection to yourself you are able to feel their energy through your embodied experience, you become increasingly aware of their energy moving around and between both of your bodies because of the sensation you are feeling within you.
This is when you don’t have to think about what to do next, you are simply lost in the moment, connected and flowing together. Sexual energy is a very powerful energy. It is easy to be aware of it as soon as you pay attention.
So you see, the most effective way to feel your partner’s energy and so connect really deeply with them during sex is to first develop and nourish your own connection with sensation and energy inside your own body.
We’re habituated in sex to check out of our physical bodies and go up into our heads, using fantasy images and scenarios to arouse our bodies and bring them to climax, but the path to deeply blissful and connected sexual experiences is to feel sensation throughout the whole body.
It’s easy to disconnect from the nuanced sensation and delicate energy within our bodies as we push them towards an ever faster, bigger, stronger climax. In our drive for explosive fireworks we ignore countless precious moments of deep connection with the whole of our experience.
Our bodies are not just sexual during sex! They are sexual the whole time. Like breathing, we may not choose to notice it, but that doesn’t mean it has stopped. Our sexual bodies are always there, just waiting for us to reconnect, enjoy and honour them again.
Maybe you have grown disconnected from your sexual body by completely ignoring it.
Maybe you have grown disconnected by disappearing into your head for safety or even to feel desire?
Maybe you have grown disconnected from your sensation and pleasure by driving your body to please someone else? Or maybe meet an objective or goal rather than allowing it it’s own authentic experience?
It is completely possible to reconnect, to become friends with your sexual body again, to learn to honour her authenticity. Gentle self pleasure practices are a really effective way of re-wiring your relationship with your sexuality, to reconnect with sensation and energy within.
Self-pleasure is not about having the goal of climax, it is about letting your energy grow, it is about connecting deeply with your body and feeling what is going on inside.
The more you are able to connect deeply with sensation within your own body, the more you are able to connect on a really subtle, sensitive level with the energy moving around your partner’s body.
And that is when you realise that you control the magic!