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For Libido's Sake, Stop Submitting to Sex!

When a woman is able to deeply surrender during sex she is able to experience so much more sensation, more pleasure, more bliss, more orgasm…..


Sadly, many, many women find they are not able to surrender during sex. Instead they are submitting to sex.



Understanding the distinction between the two words submission and surrender is, I believe, absolutely key for women to understand, drop into, enjoy and reclaim their sexual pleasure.


For me, submission has a servant energy to it. It comes from a place of fear, that if I don’t comply and submit then some harm will come to me. I submit to my master because I have no choice. I am powerless, so I submit to stay safe.


Submission is an energy that is still too often running in women when it comes to sex. And I am not talking about women in abusive situtations, I am talking about every day women, you and me, when we submit to sex to meet someone else’s needs.


Submission may look like scheduled sex once, twice, three times a week that our partner says he needs to relax (even though we are bored by it or hate it).


Submission may look like agreeing to try something different “to spice things up a bit” even though it doesn’t feel good to us.


Submission may look like wanting to go to sleep but frantically trying to activate our own energy to meet his throbbing demands.


Submission may look like thinking, “Not now” but saying “Yes, ok darling”.

Women submit when they don’t feel that sex is their power, they’re not connected to their sexual power and they don’t enter the sexual experience from their place of power.


Instead they submit.


Because they don’t feel confident and alive or sexually empowered they submit to something that they don’t really enjoy and don’t really want to do.


Surrender is the opposite power.


Where submission has a meek, servant energy to it, surrender has a powerful Queen energy.


Think….Cleopatra commanding visiting dignitaries to give her cunnilingus. (Yes! According to …..in “She Comes First” this is exactly what she did - I mean who wants to negotiate and trust any man who can’t give good head right?)


Or Queen Elizabeth I of England refusing to ever marry to ensure that she never submitted, in any capacity, to any man. (Elizabeth became known as the Virgin Queen meaning “unmarried” Queen, not as is easily misunderstood these days as “non-sexual” Queen.)


Think even of Lilith, Adam’s feisty first wife, who left him on account of his insistence on the male-superior, missionary, position in sex which gave her no pleasure.


These powerful Queens knew sex was part of their power. And they expected sex to be all about their pleasure.


Queens are like that! They are allowed to expect others to please them!


The Queen power of surrender is the power to choose the experience. The power to choose to be here, in this moment, with this person and to invite them (or even command them) into the experience with you.


Surrendering comes from a place of choice: I choose all of this pleasure and so I surrender to it.


A Queen is in the position to say, “I abandon myself to this pleasure, I lie back on the bed and expect to be pleased, I allow my body to open and feel all the sensation, all the energy, all the bliss, all the orgasm, all the joy, all the love.”


That’s surrender


And you know the greatest secret about male sexuality? They deeply, deeply yearn to experience surrendered sexual women.


They feel our submission and they hate it. It makes them feel sordid, dirty, wrong, abusive, uncaring, unloving, even emasculated.


Men want to experience the unbelievable joy of making love to a Queen, a woman who owns her sexual pleasure, who knows that sex is her power and chooses HIM to share the experience with her.


Photo byJuliet Furst onUnsplash


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