INTEGRATED SEX LOVE & RELATIONSHIP COACH
My Philosophy or “Why Women in the West are Losing their Libidos
and What we Can do about it…..”
A Very Brief History
The vast majority of people, when asked, know exactly what sex is and what it is for. In fact if you ask them either question they will give you an incredulous look before explaining that sex involves a penis moving inside a vagina (what I call “the standard model of sex”) and that the purpose of sex is to make babies.
We all just know that the “natural” and “normal” way to do sex always involves penetration and that whilst it might be pleasurable, it’s primary purpose is reproduction.
Immediately, the “natural” model of sex excludes vast swathes of humanity, people who are made to feel “unnatural” and “abnormal” by this narrow, heteronormative model.
But even people who fit the model, ie heterosexual couples, are, in a multitude of ways dissatisfied, disconnected, unfulfilled even traumatised by sex as we know it and do it.
How can something as natural as breathing be so difficult and harmful for us?
For the answer you have to look back into human history. When you do you learn that humans didn’t always have such a narrow model for sexuality and that procreation wasn’t the only purpose of sex. In fact before man realised his sperm played a part in reproduction, human sexuality was all about pleasure, community, ceremony, ecstatic energy and exalted states.
Sex was the way in which humans worshipped and honoured the benign, and very sexual, Mother Goddess. Sex was inclusive, sprititual and divine. Early human society was matriarchal; all children (the by-product of sex) were raised by the women in the community assisted by their brothers.
It was only when humans started keeping, breeding and owning livestock that they started keeping, breeding and owning each other. The shift from matriarchal to patriarchal was very much about ownership of land, livestock, women and children.
This wasn’t a “natural” evolution as we have been led to believe. The transition from matriarchal to patriarchal has always been violent. And sex, which had been a means of worship became a weapon of war.
The Old Testament has a shocking number of passages in which soldiers are instructed to rape and kill women. It was understood, in ways that neuro-science is now able to explain, (read “Vagina” by Naomi Wolf) that the means to vanquish a society is to break the spirit of the woman. And the most effective means to do this is through rape.
Once patriarchal ownership of everything had been won, it had to be maintained and entrenched. Sex, which had been an essential part of human freedom, self expression and even spiritual enlightenment, was to be controlled. The ONLY type of sexuality permitted in the new order was a penis ejaculating inside a vagina to produce a ready supply of workers and warriors. Every other type of sex was deemed sinful. Sex, as we had known it, was pulled yelling and screaming out of the temples and thrown into the gutter.
Centuries of destruction, torture, burnings, stonings and even science followed in order for humanity to establish the standard model of sexuality which we now all consider to be totally “natural” and “normal”.
And the problem is, “natural” and “normal” sex delivers so much less than we desire and sense we are worth; we are all less connected, less pleasured and less orgasmic than we want to be.
(Recommended reads: “Vagina” ~ Naomi Wolf, “When God Was a Woman” ~ Merlin Stone, “The Great Cosmic Mother” ~ Monica Sjöö and Barbara Mor, “Sex at Dawn” ~ Christopher Ryan and Caclida Jethá)
I truly believe that at our core we are all divinely sexual beings. That freed from our conditioning and trauma, humans are playful, curious, inventive, passionate, loving and kind sexual beings.
When sexuality is allowed to be innocent again (i.e. free from the sin and shame used to control us) we access immense power, nourishment, love and connection through our sexual pleasure.
There has been a growing hunger in the West for a different kind of sexuality, one that moves away from the limitations and the pressures of the standard reproductive model to one that is mutually pleasurable and remains fulfilling and nourishing for a lifetime.
Ancient traditions from the East, successfully hidden and protected during the centuries of destruction, survived into the modern era and offer the different perspective that so many of us are looking for. I am far from an expert in either Tantra or Taoism, like you I am just looking for ways to remain joyfully sexual to the end of my life, but I am happy to share what I learn as I learn.
For me, the immense value of Tantra is the importance it places on sexual pleasure. It teaches that sex is the means by which we activate pleasure and sensation in our bodies and that the purpose of our sexual pleasure is to live our lives to our fullest potential: vibrant, alive, healed, whole, magnificent.
In answer to “What is the purpose of sex?” Tantra always answers, “The point is pleasure”.
The point is always pleasure. Because pleasure is how we experience energy in our bodies. Before quantum physics was grappling with how energy works, the worlds of Tantra and Taoism were teaching that you can activate, grow and harness your energy body to improve your life and manifest your desires.
This blows sex wide open! The woman who has suffered vaginal trauma, through maybe a difficult birth or sexual assault, the man with erectile dsysfuncion or premature ejaculation or even a very small penis is no longer sexually broken and in need of fixing (with lubes, pills or therapy); they are beautiful souls with bodies that can experience pleasure in a myriad of ways.
Ultimately we can ALL connect with sensation (pleasure) in our bodies, we can ALL grow that sensation through movement, sounding and breathing and as we do, we can ALL experience the magic of deep, whole bodied orgasm.
This loving, accepting, compassionate, kind, inclusive approach to sexuality is healing, it is exciting, and it teaches us how to access the incredible orgasmic energy that has been illusive to so many of us for so long.
It guides human sexuality out of the shadows, it teaches us that sex, far from being something dirty, sinful or shameful, is, on the contrary, the means by which we access the divine within us, between us and beyond us.
SEX LOVE & RELATHIONSHIP COACH